How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
