I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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