When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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