Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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