so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
