Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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