I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
