The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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