you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
