Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
