i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
