Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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