my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
