He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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