i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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