I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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