her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
