Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
