Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
