I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
