bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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