Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
