I swear she didn't look like that last week.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
