i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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