You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Everclear isn't food dammit
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
