ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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