Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
