Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
