Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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