You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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