Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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