I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
