I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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