she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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