someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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