Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
