I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
