PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
