So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
