proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
