Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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