1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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