wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
