My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
