Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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