My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
