Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
