Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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