I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
