I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
